As a divorce mediator, I get a lot of questions regarding narcissists. Although there might not be a medical diagnosis or psychological evaluation to confirm your suspicions. Divorcing a narcissist vs. a difficult person can be very similar. One of the first things I ask for is for people to stop doubting themselves and look at the facts. Are you divorcing a difficult person? Are you finding yourself frustrated with the endless accusations? Are you feeling guilty? Do you experience a sense of not wanting to be “the bad person” or willing to be very flexible? Do you feel the need to respond to every accusation?
When it comes to a narcissist there is only one thing on his or her mind. To prove to you and others he or she is right. This is their only goal period! There is no change, no rethinking anything because they lack the ability to consider solutions. The only thing they have in mind is to prove they are right and to discredit you at whatever cost. Once you have accepted this and stopped looking for validation of his or her good qualities, you can move on with the process. The only thing that stops narcissistic people is boundaries. Don’t deplete yourself thinking of the “love”, “charming romance”, “exiting moments”, and “empty promises”. If you find yourself divorcing a narcissist you will have to be fully aware that this is what is taking place. There is no negotiation with them other than their need to be right. This depletes anyone involved and some may give in to his or her demands in order to get them out of their life. Since there are no consequences for their actions, this gives them the green light to continue the battle. If he or she has financial resources know that they are all into what money can buy them to prove they are right and discredit you. For those who don’t have the financial means to prolong the divorce, they will try to use the court system to assist them. They will complain, file motions, and keep you in as much as possible until their required outcome is fulfilled.
I have not seen or heard of any case that ends differently. They will use charming tactics to manipulate and distort information that affects you emotionally. This weakens your ability to make decisions and you end up giving up. When this happens, they have won and feel accomplished. Fighting a narcissist is an endless battle that can take months or years. Having children with a narcissistic person requires emotional support and constant self-improvement. They are resilient to emotions while you deplete yours. They spend all their time finding ways to watch you deteriorate unless they find a new target.
In the worst-case scenarios, they also use their new target to help them. I see many people hope and believe time will change them. In most cases, they do not. The court system can in some cases notice the lack of flexibility and the intentions but they cannot control them unless you make the efforts to stop them or set boundaries. I’m not trying to be a pessimist but narcissistic people don’t forget anything either. You need to make a choice to move forward, set boundaries, or disappear from their life entirely if possible. When it comes to children the sad part is that they will use them as bait and as emotional blackmail. You may wonder how they can do such a thing since children have nothing to do with how they feel about you. It does for them, and they will not be able to comprehend the emotional damage and impact they have on their children. In their mind, they are right, righteous and whatever their belief system is, they will not consider any other.
They are masters of manipulation and deceit and this should not be any surprise to you. Therefore, the best solution is to never depend on them financially or emotionally. Unfortunately, once they have you committed and have convinced you that you are at fault for everything. Your protective mechanism is to react and defend yourself. I advise against this because this keeps them engaged with you which is what they seek to do.
I suggest you work on developing self-love, improve your own pattern of behaviors, don’t depend on others for validation. Seeking professional help with the intention to understand yourself. There is no need to understand another person who can not see or feel the emotional damage they do to others with their behaviors. The goal is to discover yourself rather than self-destruct with someone who can not comprehend certain social or emotional behaviors. Ask yourself if you are willing to agree with someone who goes against your own values. Learn to forgive yourself for the deception you have been through and hopefully don’t fall into that trap again. Love and commitment are not supposed to be detrimental or about self-sacrificing. Know you need to make the changes necessary to feel complete, loved, and mentally healthy. Practice loving yourself meeting people who are going to teach you happiness and not misery. You already went there and it’s time to get out of that limited thinking, that you can change another person with love and understanding.
The narcissist in your life was not a limb or an organ you cannot live without. They were a mistake you can forgive yourself for. There are other healthier ways to have a relationship. Don’t try to hold on to this one. This does not make you a bad person or insensitive, it makes you a responsible person taking care of yourself and your children. Only intelligent people chose to make their own decisions whether they are right or wrong. It is part of life to discover yourself and create an appropriate healthy environment for your well-being. Therefore, I have only one piece of advice to give.
Get out of a toxic relationship and become you, not the person a narcissist wants you to be. I can provide detailed examples of the things they are capable of doing however, for this blog about divorcing a narcissist I recommend you search for yourself the endless testimonies of people dealing with narcissistic behaviors and search until you are familiar with it enough, to not want that anymore in your life. Knowledge is power and the more you understand that you are not alone, that this can happen to anyone, the more you will realize that removing yourself from a narcissistic partner is the best possible solution. There is a better life out there, you just need to start somewhere and not look back.
If you would like to tell me your story for research purposes please e-mail me at: divorcedmr@gmail.com
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