The divorce process began before you decided on getting divorce. The arguments, the sleepless nights, the worrying, and disappointment. At this point you might ask yourself what is next?
To make matters simple this is the point where you need to listen and pay attention to your spouse. What is it that he or she wants other than out of the relationship? Are his or her concerns the same as yours?
Anger will not allow you to see the big picture if you don’t let anyone speak and if your emotions take the best of you. Instead, make a list of what is important and let’s begin the divorce process.
The first step is active listening and have empathy for him or her. You may be hurting differently however, he or she is too, in their own way.
The Second step is understanding what your options are. Yes! you do have options. You can make this easy or difficult. Fairness is not a word that you should rely on during a divorce. You need to know the facts rather than what x received in his or her divorce. Your case is different in fact, everyone’s case is different. In my time mediating I have yet to see a couple with the same standard issues. Therefore, understanding your options will help you solve many questions. The most important option to have while mediating is knowledge. Knowledge of where your spouse stands, their concerns, and expectations. You won’t have that if you begin to litigate. Information is key on how you will experience your divorce.
The Third step is to Mediate! collect information, review what you have and what you don’t have. Have reasonable expectations and or provide reasonable offers. Look at the facts and decide what is most important to you during this transition. Listening to the concerns of the other, will help both of you determine better solutions and never, ever, rush!
The goal here is to draft a suitable agreement that solves both of your concerns, divide your finances, divide your assets, agree on appropriate amounts, and more importantly both are on the same page in regards to the children.
It is unfortunate that couples express their concerns about the children but use them in many ways I won’t mention here. Keep in mind you’re only hurting them when your detachment is about you and not them. They can end up being the child in the street, begging for alcohol, abusing drugs, an abuser, or worse, thanks to the selfish standards of people who only care about their emotional well-being. Don’t be those people who don’t concern themselves with their children or believe you can do a better job at parenting than the other parent. Both deserve the opportunity to develop your own parenting style and modify as you go.
Understanding the consequences of your actions will place you in the right state of mind to address this difficult task. Divorce is difficult at all levels and you’re not alone. Many have experienced divorce and many won’t disclose the horrors they experience.
Once you have completed these steps the rest will fall into place and you will proceed with the discovery process and begin to draft the agreement that works for your family structure.